“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
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Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.