When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
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If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Me My dog
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding