If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
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Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
😂😂😂
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Flowers bee like
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes