WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
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Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter