Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
You Might Also Like
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.