First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
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If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
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