[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
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Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Just a bush.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back