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i have one speed and it’s mosey
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
greetings!
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
How does one answer this?
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.