It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
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HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
superman landing like a plane on his belly
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*