Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
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my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On