covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
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I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Okay
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info