[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
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My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
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Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
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My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
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Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
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There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
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Five Guys CEO: you heard me
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
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A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.