Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
You Might Also Like
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.