My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
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Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge