MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
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ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.