getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
You Might Also Like
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes