Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
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Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Nice try, NASA
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”