There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
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Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
I am patiently waiting for your email
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
it must be school picture day
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
My apartment is a mess, I should move
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway