If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
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I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Still laughing at this stupid meme
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen