pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
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Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
mariah carrie
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!