If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
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Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry