Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
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Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*