Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
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Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
This is me 🤣🤣
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.