Ooh I do like a good funnel
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“TGIM!” – My liver
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.