Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
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“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit