Meanwhile in Portland…
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ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.