A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
You Might Also Like
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
My beach vacation Google searches
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”