Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
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I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.