Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
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GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
time machine? you mean a clock?
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake