If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
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Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
The photographer’s assistant
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.