overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
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Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
A woman drives into a bar.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.