*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
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Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh