Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
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Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
What?
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on