The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
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*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.