“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
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Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.