A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
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I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end