her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
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Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo鈥檚 school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
I can鈥檛 believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Can鈥檛. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schr枚dinger’s cat.
I am officially off the market馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it鈥檚 not ok to give my kids ketchup that鈥檚 2 years expired.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn鈥檛 know it was plastic.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He鈥檚 asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn鈥檛 found the bread yet.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
The chickens in my neighbor鈥檚 coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I鈥檝e done.