Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
You Might Also Like
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
This was the best day of my life
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug