My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
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Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.