You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
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Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.