Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
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Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Well, that should do it
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you