*names my little horse OneTrick*
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The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
#parenting