hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
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I need better friends
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
not for long
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.