I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
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Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds