RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
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God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
can’t believe I got front row seats
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos