religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
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I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”