Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
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I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
iPhone X
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover