Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
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A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.