Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
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Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Wedding planning is organized crime.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!