#winning
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Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?